I really have no idea how to cope sometimes. I have this detachment between my heart and my mind. Between what I think I should do and what I actually end up doing. And I think it is getting worse. I think that I want to be positive and be in a relationship but I feel on edge when I am actually in that circumstance. (Yes, I just called a relationship a circumstance. Just like the time that you pull the wrong potato out of the pile and they all come toppling down. And everyone in the produce section stares. Circumstance.)
The positivity is decimated. Part of me questions if it ever existed. Could it really have existed if we can barely be in the same room together without the uncomfortable, on edge feeling taking over all oxygen. No room to breath. Much less any room to say anything. Because anything is a trigger. Avoidance is a trigger. Any hint of feeling slighted, even if no one intended that perception.
Now, when I think of happiness or, at least, contentment, I think of solitude. The thought of forging on alone is much better than the uphill battle of trying to exist every day with this other person. This other person who breaks me more than builds me. This person who has taken his love away. This person from whom I've stepped away. The distance is there. No expectation of it going away. It will just get worse. But I will still have to pull the fucking trigger to finish it off.
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